Pass it Along
by Rowi
Summary: Laguna decides to write a story about Squall, and asks the leatherclad commander and his pals for their help! Feel free to bask in the warmth of this sidesplitting story about an innocent notebook gone HORRIBLY WRONG! Please read and review!
1. A Notebook is Born

Pass It Along! It's back! You thought you could defeat it, but YOU WERE WRONG! Now it's squeakier, cuddlier, shinier, and better tasting than ever! And the best part is, with this lovely new prose format, it ACTUALLY FOLLOWS THE RULES! Imagine that! My first fic, digitally remastered in newfangled technicolor... it's a beautiful thing. And yes, my friends... the saga WILL continue!

I don't own Final Fantasy VIII, Chia Pets, Tic-tacs, or Enzyte, blah blah blah, written for entertainment purposes only, blah blah blah, made no money. Actually, I probably lost some money writing this... ahh well, cover the cost of an Evan & Jaron CD and a 2-liter of Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper (the Cola with the Longest Name) and we'll call it even. Whaddaya say?

Oh, and just so you know, I only pick on Zell because I love him. (cuddles) That applies to everyone else, too. If I don't like someone, you can tell. I portray them as crazy elderly fanboys who get their butts stuck in windows.

Erm... and without further ado, enjoy the fic!

* * *

Pass It Along

Chapter 1: A Notebook is Born

Laguna Loire was a busy man. As the president of Esthar, he had many tasking duties to attend to, such as looking important while sitting in a big leather chair that squeaked every time he moved. It was he, and he alone, who could save the country from the menace of skyrocketing Triple Triad booster pack prices. Not only that, but it was also his sole responsibility to water and care for the Presidential Chia Pet Zoo.

Oh yeah, he was busy all right... busy being BORED! So when the day finally arrived when the wrinkled-yet-still-surprisingly-attractive ex-soldier had an idea, he ran with it with more enthusiasm than was probably necessary. It had come on him suddenly; an empowering avalanche of lightbulb-lighting inspiration.

"Whoah! Man!" Laguna exclaimed, kicking his feet off the top of his desk and scrambling into an upright position. "I just had the greatest idea! I'll write a story about Squall! Such a sweet little boy... oh, wait, he's a teenager now..."

It was then that his excitement began to fade. How could he write a story about someone he barely even knew?

"_Hey, wait, I know!"_ Laguna thought, "_I'll ask Squall to tell me a little bit about himself! And his friends can help too! They can keep all their notes in a book! Oooh! Even better—in a NOTE-book! I am a GENIUS!_" Laguna chuckled to himself and stroked his chin thoughtfully. "_No WONDER I'm the president..._"

"Let's see," he mumbled, "Dear Squall, ..."

It was 3:00 in the morning (Balamb time) when Squall was greeted with the familiar electronic announcement, "You've got mail!" The young commander blinked his bloodshot eyes and minimized the internet quiz that was supposedly going to tell him what flavor he would be if he were a Tic-tac.

"Oh boy," he murmured, checking his already overflowing mail box. He expected another 'Garden Festival Committee Emergency Update' from Selphie, or maybe another message offering him a free trial package of Enzyte. Either way, he wasn't jumping for joy, not wanting the former and not needing the latter. "...the hell?" Squall mumbled, "An e-mail titled Pass It Along from dudew/agun at esthar dot com? Who's that supposed to be? Irvine's address is studmaster at g-garden dot com, so it can't be him... unless he changed it... though I can't see why he would. Oh well. Click." The swordsman took a moment to wonder why he was talking to himself. To tell you the truth, Squall being so prone to introspection, he couldn't even remember if he had been talking out loud or merely thinking to himself. The lack of sleep certainly wasn't helping him keep his mind straight, that's for sure.

* * *

_Dear Squall,_

_Hiya! This is Daddy, sport!_

* * *

Squall smacked himself on the forehead. " Geez, what's his problem?"

* * *

_Well, I was bored so I decided to write a story about you. But since, well, I don't really know you much, I figured you and your friends could help. So, write down stuff about yourself in a notebook or something, and make sure to have your friends help you! I know you're busy with becoming a SeeD and all... oh wait, that was a long time ago... never mind! But I'm sure you'll be busy with other stuff, too. Tell me how it's goin' after awhile, ok? __Love, Laguna_

* * *

"...Whatever. That was pathetic." He was about to hit delete when a familiar high-pitched voice stopped him. 

"Aww, nuh-uh! I thought it was sweet!"

Squall's cobalt blue eyes shot open as he looked up, only to see Selphie reading over his shoulder.

"GAH!" the commander jumped up, pointing an accusing finger at the brunette, "What are you- How did you get in here!" He had the right to be startled too, being clad in naught but his boxers.

"How'd I get in? By walking, silly! I can't fly! Well, not normally..."

"I keep my door _locked_." Squall grunted through gritted teeth. "And how'd you get into my room before the SeeD party, too, eh? You some sort of... flippy-haired, sugar-high, stalker or something?" He waved his hands to try and demonstrate his point, but combined with his dazed, tired look, he just ended up looking drunk.

"Nooo, I'm not a _stalker_! Irvy taught me how to pick locks with a hair pin!"

"And I'm sure he's really good at it. Now go away."

"Aww, c'mon! Don't be such a meanie! I just wanted to help with Sir Laguna's story!" Her eyes flickered toward Squall's underwear. "Moombas, I see."

Shoving a notebook and feathery pink pen into Selphie's hands, Squall forced her back towards the door.

"Get out, and STAY OUT!"

"But-"

"WRITE!" He slammed the door in her face.

The petite SeeD flipped open the notebook, sighing. "Geez, that's all I wanted in the first place..." She started to write, and squealed in delight at the pink , bubble-gum scented ink. "Where'd Squall get this pen?"

Squall's door flew open.

"And not a WORD about the moombas, GOT IT, CADET?"

* * *

_Hiya! This is Selphie! Squall told me I could start writing stuff so I am! Booyaka! Okay... Well, Squall's a nice enough guy, but he can be cranky sometimes! Oh! Hey, guess what—Squall wears Moomba underwear! Tee-hee! Isn't that cute? Hmm... oh well, I don't know what else to write, so I guess I'll give the notebook to someone else tomorrow. Or, today, actually, cause it's past midnight! Tee-hee! Bye-bye!

* * *

_

Author's notes:

For some reason, when I had the character's e-mail addresses typed out normally, they did not show up! I didn't realize it for a while either. Sorry! I guess that made the beginning a littleconfusing. But yeah, that's why the addresses are typed out the way they are. Anyway, please review!


	2. Of Hot Dogs and Kickboxing

Yo! Time for Chapter 2! Aren't you excited? By golly, I sure am. Good golly gosh, somebody call Lassie, Timmy's in the well. ...again...

I don't own Final Fantasy VIII! You see, this is called _fan_fiction. To write it, you have to be a _fan_. Don't worry, it'll all make sense in the morning.

Oh, and a special shout-out to my friends! Because I feel like it! So, Cheers, Salud, and long live Jaz-chan, Wizu-chan, fireyone233, and Mel-chan-baba-sempai-sama! Yes, I understand the grammatical incorrectness. But doesn't it just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

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Pass It Along

Chapter 2: Of Hot Dogs and Kickboxing

The following afternoon, Selphie was walking along, scribbling something in the notebook, when all of a sudden-

"Oof! Who ran into me? _Seifer!_ Go away! I'm tryin' to write, here!"

"What is it? A love letter?" The blond snatched the notebook from Selphie's grasp, looking it over before throwing it back at her, unimpressed. "...What the hell is it?"

"Well," she inhaled deeply, preparing to say one gigantic run-on sentence all in one breath. "Sir Laguna's writing a story but then he couldn't because he doesn't know anything so then he asked Squall to write stuff about himself so he could write a story but Squall was-"

"_Hyne_, just get to the point!"

"Oh. Well, we all hafta write stuff about Squall, of course! I have to find someone to pass it to so they can write more..."

"Write stuff about Squall, eh?" Seifer stroked his chin thoughtfully; a deliciously devious glint in his eye. "Y'know, Selph, I'm feeling goodhearted today. How 'bout I help you out and take that little notebook off your hands? I'll find somebody to write in it."

"Oh! You'd do that for me! Ok! Here you go!" She handed the notebook and pen to Seifer and skipped off down the hall.

Seifer flipped the book open.

* * *

_Hey. The freak with the hair (no, not Zell, the other one) just gave me this thing. I am (drumroll please) Seifer. Feel free to applaud and generally go ballistic. Heh. So I guess I'm supposed to write about my dear friend Squall. Ok, so like, this one day, he got really mad at me for no reason whatsoever, and nearly chopped my head off! ...so I was like, "Squall, my best friend in the whole wide world, why did you do this to me?" but then he just lunges at me! So I had no choice but to defend myself. So, I (reluctantly, of course) pulled out Hyperion. Oh, I fended him off easily, of course. He is no match against my superior strength. Hehe. So then Squall tries to trip me like a wimp, and Hyperion loyally tries to break my fall. But I was like, "Shit! It'll get bent!" So I flung it out from under me before I hit the ground, accidentally poking Squall in the forehead. It, of course, left a scar too, one on his ugly face, but nowhere near as impressive as mine. In the exact same place as mine, too, only facing the opposite direction. Copycat. And then he just has to bitch and moan about it like it was my fault or something. And that's hard to do when your vocabulary is ONE WORD. "Whatever." Well, that's all I have to say about Squall. Oh wait, then he goes and steals my girlfriend. Now isn't that just a nice kick in the balls! He couldn't even get her by conventional methods, mind you, but by makin' her think I was frickin' dead. Oh well, I CAN GET ANY GIRL I WANT! HA! PUBERTY BOY! Hmm, what next...

* * *

_

"OUTTA MY WAY! I'M GONNA MISS THE HOT DOGS AGAIN!" Zell cried, as he sprinted towards the cafeteria.

Seifer looked up from his writing and scowled. "No one cares."

"I DO!" Zell yelled.

Raijin popped up out of nowhere and exclaimed, "And I pronounce you man and wife! You may kiss the bride, ya know? Ha ha!" Ah, Raijin. There's that biting wit we've all come to know and love...

Zell blushed and took up a fighting stance. "What the hell are you-!"

Basking in Zell's annoyance, Seifer replied, "I call the man!"

"Wha-? I'm not the wife!"

"DISTURBING." Fujin commented.

Raijin laughed, "You can say that again, ya know?"

"DISTURBING."

Zell's face was beet red. He drew himself up to his full height and stepped up to Seifer, glaring dangerously and shaking his fist at the blond who still towered over him.

"I am SICK and TIRED of you guys picking on me all the time! I-" Suddenly, his eyes widened. "DAMMIT! They're all outta hot dogs!" Zell shot his best 'death glare' at the disciplinary committee. "And it's ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"Cool it, Chicken-wuss," Seifer replied, placing his hands on Zell's shoulders and facing him the other way. "Here's something to help you pass the time until lunchtime tomorrow." He handed the little fighter the notebook and pen.

"Sweet pen, but I don't get it…"

"Of _course_ you don't. Just write stuff about Squall, ok? Gotta go get my hair dyed."

"Oh," Zell commented, "that explains why your hair was lookin' weird."

Seifer immediately took offense. "_MY HAIR NEVER_ LOOKS _WEIRD_! Oh, and like _you_, of all people, should talk about weird hair…!"

As Seifer stormed out of the Garden, Zell sniffed the fuzzy pink pen with curiosity, like a puppy. Like a little puppy with a crest of blond hair and a tattoo on his face. Fujin stared at him.

"What're you lookin at?"

"WIERDO."

* * *

_YOOOOOO! Hehe, so, I'm 'sposed to write stuff about Squall, huh? Hmm… oh yeah, this is Zell. Oh man, there was this one time when we were all in prison or whatever and I had to save everybody from these huge monsters and Seifer was torturing Squall with the coochi-coochi treatment or something like that…oh yeah, Squall let me borrow his ring once. That was cool. It was like, a goat or something, I think, but it was still cool! But then I lent it to Rinoa and she went and almost got herself killed and I was thinkin "Squall's gonna kill me! I lost his ring and his girlfriend in about two seconds!" Of course, then they were "just friends" or something, but I could tell. Yep, I knew all along. Y'know, some people say that when they tattooed my face they punctured my brain, but I don't think so, do you? I'm smart. And hey, this chick, oh, I'd say about 13 years old ran up to me the other day at Toys R Us and asked for my autograph! It was so cool! She was pretty cute, too, but like I said, she was about 13. Toooooo baaaaaaadd.

* * *

_

"This your diary?"

Zell looked up to see a certain cowboy reading over his shoulder.

"_No_, it is _not_ my _diary!_" Zell squawked, flustered.

* * *

_Oh yeah, and manly men like me do not keep diaries! Just thought I'd clear that up.

* * *

_

Zell snapped the notebook shut and puffed his chest out proudly. "It's a _biiiiiig_ notebook with crud about Squall in it."

"... I didn't know you were like that..."

"It's not _mine!_" Zell exclaimed, "Seifer said we're all 'sposed to write stuff about Squall in this notebook."

"But _why?_"

Zell shrugged. "Beats me. Why don't you go ask Seifer?"

"Sure," Irvine asked, "where is he?"

"Oh yeah, he's at the beauty parlor getting his hair done. You want the notebook?"

Irvine scratched his head. "No, I don't _want_ it, but I'll write in it if that's what you mean."

"Well then, here you go!" Zell beamed, passing the book to Irvine. "Gotta go train!" The blond bounced back and forth and faked a few punches before grinning and running off.

* * *

_I LOVE this PEN! Yee-haw! Alrighty, let's get down to business. Irvine's the name, and err… writin' this stuff is my, err…game? Oh shit, that was so stupid! I would erase it, 'cept this is in pen! Even you know what my game is. My game…hehe… Hey hey hey, let's not tell anyone about that, ok? Thanks a million. Hmm, Squall… err, he's a guy with a big ol' scar and really big hair. He wears a feathery coat and leather pants and a few too many belts than what's normal. I mean, everyone knows belts are hot, (I wear a belt) but six is a little desperate looking. And he has earrings. Heh, like me. ...well shit, that's about all I can think of. So now that that's over with, I can write about more interesting stuff. Are you a guy or a girl? Hmm… it's a book about Squall so if you're reading this you're… probably a girl. Well what a coinky-dink. So, what's shakin'? Hey, if you wanna borrow some scrunchies, help yourself. There's a biiiiiiiiig box of 'em… under my bed… So if you ever need any, just pay me a visit, ok? Also, if you need any shampoo… you only need to ask. I have a generous supply of good-smelling French stuff. Only the best for my hair, err, I mean you… heh. I am known world over for my excellent... shampooing... skills. I've got it down. Lather. Rinse. Repeat... So come on over any time, you know where to find me. Just knock first, I might be mas-...er, well, mastering the, um, art, of, ehhh... kickboxing! Yeah, kickboxing...Heey, I spy the next unsuspecting victim of this evil notebook thingy! Gotta go! Oh, yeah, if you're ever in town, or if I'm ever in town, (y'know, I'm a travelling man. A bit of a loner...) and you're looking for a good time with a real man… don't hesitate to drop by! See ya around! Wait a sec, WINK WINK. There, I'm done. Oh, did I mention that I wear chaps!

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_


	3. Fraternizing with the Enemy

Chapter three time, baby! Woot! Break out the bubbly, Pass It Along has gotten over 100 hits! Booyaka! That's like, a record for me! Hold on, I'm getting all choked up... I'd like to thank... the reviewers! Without thee, I would be nothing. Well, not literally... but... oh, whatever.

I still don't own Final Fantasy VIII, and I just think I should mention, once again, that I don't have anything against ANY of the FFVIII characters. But how can anything funny happen if I don't pick on anyone?

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Pass It Along

Chapter 3: Fraternizing with the Enemy

Irvine had gotten bored with writing in the notebook very quickly. Even after flirting with it, it proved to be a very boring companion. He sat down on a bench outside the Library and flipped through the book, skimming over the previous entries. He laughed. He made a disgusted face. He made an "Awwwww!" face. He mumbled something about goats. It was then that he heard someone approaching, and looked up to see who it was.

"Oh, Rinoa! Hey, whatcha doin?"

"Not you." She replied, hand on her hip. I took a moment before Irvine realized that she had actually answered his question.

Headmaster Cid, who happened to be in the hall at the time, squealed, "OOOOH, _BURN_!"

"Now, that wasn't very nice!" Irvine drawled. "I think you owe me an apology." He jumped out of his seat when the girl rolled her eyes and started walking away from him. "Whoah, Rinoa! Wait up! C'mon, I just wanted to pass this notebook on to you! Just write stuff about Squall in it and give it to someone else!"

"What? Really?" she grinned. "A notebook about Squall?"

"Yep, that's what Zell said."

"_Well_ then," Rinoa gushed, "I guess I'll _have_ to write in it then!" She snatched the notebook from the cowboy and flipped it to the next blank page. "Hey, do you have a pen or something I could write with?"

Irvine flashed open his coat. "Will this work?"

Rinoa's eyes nearly popped out of her head. "Uh... dah!" was all she managed to mumble before she passed out, blood trickling from her nostrils.

"Fine, be that way..." Irvine zipped up his fly and left in a huff, tossing the fuzzy pink pen over his shoulder.

Rinoa regained consciousness about half an hour later. She sat up and rubbed her head, confused for a moment, before memories of what had just happened came rushing back to her.

"Irvine!" she exclaimed, face twitching slightly. "That pervert!" She rose to her feet and gathered up the notebook and pen, looking around to make sure no one was watching her. Turning her face to the heavens, Rinoa shook her fist angrily, shouting, "IRVINE KINNEAS! Wherever you are, I'LL GET MY REVENGE!"

She set off toward the front gate, smirking, which looked pretty funny because she still had tracks of dried blood coming out of her nostrils. The tracks turned away from each other before they reached her lips and had continued down her cheeks because she had fainted and ended up lying on the ground. It looked kind of like a big, reddish-brown mustache.

* * *

_Now it's my turn to write about my Squally-poo! In case you haven't guessed, this is Rinoa. Squall, ….hee hee. Okay, Squall used to be really rude, but thanks to me he's a really nice guy now. Of course, he's still rude to QUISTIS, but you can't expect a miracle… hmm. Oh, hey, you know that guy, Irvine? Well, I know this is a notebook about Squall, but this juicy little tidbit is just too good to pass up. Irvine is a... umm... well, he...

* * *

_

If Rinoa had read Irvine's entry, she would have known that he did a good enough job tarnishing his "good" name all by himself, but unfortunately, she _hadn't_ read his entry, and instead tried to think of the most terrible thing she could possibly write about the guy. Suddenly, her eyes lit up, and that evil smirk was back on her face.

* * *

_IRVINE KINNEAS HAS GENITAL HERPES! _

_...well, I just thought you should know. After all, he'll probably try to sleep with you, and you really deserve a fair warning! But enough about that! Bleh! Let's think about other things. Like Squall! Squallsquallsquallsquallsquallsquallsquallsquallsquall! SQUALLLLL-LLLLLLL! Hmm, ya know what? Zone says Squall never gave him that copy of "Girl Next Door" he found.….so that's what I saw in his underwear drawer….not that I dig through his underwear drawer looking for magazines…or for any reason… heh… um, yeah, he gave me an extra key to his room. He called me the other day sayin' that he's been keeping his door locked because he thinks Selphie's stalking him. I was like, "Selphie? Yeah right!"-

* * *

_

"But she _was_ stalking me!"

"Squall!" Rinoa bubbled, "Yay, you're here! Now don't be absurd, Selphie wouldn't-"

"Yes she would! She snuck into my room again last night!" Squall's eyes narrowed, glinting an icy silver. His eyes were usually grey; flecked with extra silver when he was upset, and deepening into a lovely blue only when he was relaxed or happy. Whenever his guard was down. Pity, it didn't happen often.

Irvine, who was just rounding the corner-less curve of Balamb Garden's doughnut-like walkway, walked over to the couple and put in his two cents.

"Sorry guys," he said, "but I couldn't help but overhear you! On defending Squall, Selphie wasn't with me last night. Just thought I'd let you know."

Squall ignored him. "I swear! SELPHIE'S A STALKER!"

"IS NOT!"

Zell, back from his training, trotted over to the bunch to see what the fuss was all about.

Irvine shrugged his shoulders. "I was hopin' it wouldn't come to this but…the other night Selphie _was_ in Squall's room. And so was Squall."

Rinoa gasped, not believing her ears. She stomped up to the two men. "_That_," she slapped Squall, "is for seeing Selphie behind my back! And _that_," she slapped Irvine, "is for being a peeping tom!"

"Oh, come on! The window was wide open! What was I supposed to do, _look away?_"

"Yeah!" Squall jumped in, angry at being bitch-slapped. "And Selphie picked the lock—HEY! Wait a minute!" The commander's icy glare switched to focusing on Irvine. "She said _you_ taught her how to pick locks! With hair clips, no less!" He moved in closer and looked the taller student straight in the eye. "Have you no HONOR!"

"Well," Irvine interrupted, "_technically_ they're bobbie pins."

"So you _admit_ it!" Squall exclaimed.

Zell gasped. "You _dirty scoundrel!_ Teaching a _girl_ how to pick locks! Fraternizing with the enemy!"

"_Hey hey hey_, exactly _whose _bright idea was it that _women_ were the _enemy?"_

Squall thrust an accusing finger Irvine's direction. "Hey! He's changing the subject!" The gunblade specialist crossed his arms and turned to Rinoa. "I rest my case."

She nodded her head. "Guilty as charged."

The cowboy looked confused. "Wait, what the heck did _I_ do? I thought we were mad at Selphie!"

"Don't you ever watch those stupid lawyer shows?" Squall demanded. "You were charged with, eh…" He scratched his head, and then remembered what Zell had been rambling on about. The commander pointed at Rinoa, the only girl around. "…fraternizing with the enemy!"

Zell pumped his fists in the air. "Exactly!"

"Wait, so now _I'm_ the enemy?" Rinoa growled.

"Yeah, you're the enemy." Irvine chuckled.

Squall's eyes flashed, and his gunblade flew to Irvine's throat. "YOU WERE _FRATERNIZING_ WITH RINOA!" he bellowed.

"Whoa there," the cowboy whimpered, "I think things are starting to get a little out of hand…"

Rinoa slapped Squall. "_As IF I'd ever fraternize with that loser..._" she thought.

Zell slapped Squall. "_Yo! It's Slap Squall Day!_"

Squall slapped Zell. "_...Whatever._"

Rinoa slapped Squall again. "_Whatcha slappin' Zell for, foo?_"

Squall just got really fed up with the repetitive sentence structure of the last couple minutes and slapped Rinoa. That... was not a good idea...

"URGH!" She screamed in frustration, "I HATE YOU ALL! You're so freakin' stupid! I hate you all so much that I wish a low-flying airplane chops off your heads and you have to get a fake head and that your brains are made of crap and it seeps out of your ears so that you leave a trail of crap wherever you go and your prosthetic eyeballs melt from the heat of the sun every time you go out during the day so you turn into vampires and you sit in a puddle of blood and everyone laughs at you and Dr. Kadowaki shoves a tampon up your ass!"

Zell had tears in his eyes. Why hadn't he just kept training? He whimpered, "You just... you just can't think of a good comeback for that..."

"Now get outta my sight before I go Angel Wing on all your asses!"

The bloody mustache was still on her face.

* * *

Author's Notes

Hah! You just don't mess with Rinoa... Anyway, please review, but please do not flame. At least not about my "hating" or "being mean to" any of the characters. I've already told you, I love 'em all, but if I treat them with the glory and honor they deserve, nothing funny would happen. So I slap 'em around a little bit, and when it's over, we all sit around the campfire and roast marshmallows like a big happy family. That is, until someone's hair catches on fire, then we all run around in circles casting water magic all over the place and causing a flash flood.

...and remember... only YOU can prevent forest fires!


	4. UnWedge It

Alas, Final Fantasy VIII is owned by someone who is not me. I also do not own Toys-R-Us. I DO own the characters Jaz-chan, Ang-chan, the substitute teacher, Mr. Boege, and Mr. Roman. And that's "Ang-chan" with a _soft _"g." I do not own the people they are based off of, because slavery was abolished by Abraham Lincoln, remember? The Emancipation Proclamation ROCKS HARD! (head banging)

Aah... too much history class...

BOOYA! Over 300 hits! It truly is inspiring to see that so many people have visited this humble little fic. Thank you all, especially those kind enough to review! I really enjoy the feedback, and if there's anything that you think could help make this fic better, don't hesitate to let me know. Help me help you.

And by the way, the "o" in my pen name is indeed a long "o." As in, "row, row, row your boat..."

Anyway... without further ado... enjoy!

* * *

Pass It Along

Chapter 4: Un-Wedge It

The guys weren't on the best of terms with the garden's resident sorceress after the whole "I hope a low-flying airplane chops off your heads" incident. Squall had been caught a little off guard by his girlfriend's ardent rant, but replied afterwards with a voice so monotonous and indifferent he could have rivaled Ben Stein.

"Does this mean you're breaking up with me?"

Rinoa had just thrown up her arms in frustration and walked away, leaving Squall alone in the front hall. Zell and Irvine had already ran for their lives, hit the coast, and were now swimming for their lives. Squall wondered whether throwing one's arms in the air meant yes or no.

Three days had passed before Irvine and Zell returned from the sea. They burst through the front gate riding on the back of Irvine's trusty GF, Leviathan, sending sprays of water and chunks of gate everywhere.

"Irvine KINNEAS!" Quistis cried, skidding to a halt. She had been chasing that kid that jogs around the garden, trying to tell him that 'Running in the halls is strictly prohibited!'

"Howdy, Quis!" The cowboy tipped his hat as Leviathan continued to squirm, almost like an impatient horse.

"Irvine Kinneas, you call off that GF _right_ now, or else!"

"Or else _what_?"

At that moment, a loud, screeching brake assaulted everyone's eardrums, and Leviathan spooked and bucked off its riders before diving into the Balamb Garden fountain, where it commenced to sulk and growl at passers-by. It seemed like everyone in the garden had rushed to the front gate to see what was going on that was causing such a ruckus. Squall, Rinoa, and Selphie were some of those people.

"Oh, you poor baby!" Selphie cried, running towards Irvine. The cowboy spread his arms, expecting a hug from the petite SeeD, but she trotted right past him and jumped into the fountain. "Ohhhh! Have those humans been mean to you?" Selphie cooed, petting the sea serpent gently. It started to purr.

"Alright," Irvine grunted, "since when can snakes purr?"

Zell jumped up and down, trying to see over everyone else's heads because he was so short. "Hey, a bus just pulled up?"

"Yeah, dummy." Squall replied.

Rinoa ran over to the rest of the gang, eager to find out what was going on. "Ooh! What's it for? Where's it from?"

"It's just a quick gas-stop!" Quistis replied, "They're-"

"You mean they all get out and _fart_?" Zell exclaimed, his face scrunching adorably into an expression of disgust.

The ex-instructor snapped at him with her whip. "Noooo, dipwad! To _refuel_! They're on a field trip from some middle school. They're going to a museum somewhere around here..."

"I never knew there was a museum 'round here..." the tattooed blond mumbled.

Quistis sighed. "There are a _lot_ of things _you_ don't know, Zell..."

"Like two plus two, ya know!"

"Raijin! I DO TOO know that! Wait..." Zell hunched over and started counting on his fingers.

Irvine turned his attention to the bus at the entrance. "Maybe they're lost..."

"Yep, it's FIVE! I KNEW IT!" Zell exclaimed. At that moment, the high-pitched shrieks that can only belong to anime-obsessed teenage girls erupted from the bus, and two of the aforementioned anime-obsessed teenage girls jumped out of the windows of the vehicle, running towards the gang. "Hey, it's that girl from Toys-R-Us!" Zell gave a toothy grin and waved. "YOOOOO!" The two girls ran past him and nearly tackled Irvine and Squall to the ground. Zell was almost speechless. "H-_hey_!"

"Sorry," squeaked the girl clinging to Irvine, "but he's hotter than you are!"

"WHAT THE--?"

"She _does_ have a point." The taller boy smirked, enjoying all the attention.

Zell pouted and shoved his hands in his pockets, shuffling away through the crowd.

"So, uh..." Irvine looked down and read off the girl's 'hello my name is...' name tag. "...Ang-chan... You from that middle school?"

"Yep! Jaz-chan and me are in seventh grade!" Ang-chan looked up at the sharpshooter with a big grin on her face. "That means I'm a big girl now!"

"Is that so?" Irvine grimaced. "Good for you."

Meanwhile, poor Squall was having a slightly more difficult time.

"SQUALL! SQUALL! OH MY GOSH YOU'RE SQUALL, I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!"

"I—URGH! Would you—URF! Just--"

As it turned out, Jaz-chan was quite strong for a seventh grader, and she had her arms wrapped around the commander's neck in a maximum-strength glomp.

"IRVINE!" Squall shouted, "Stop hitting on the little kids and _help_ _me_! I'm being _strangled_!"

"Squall, I love you!" Jaz-chan chirped.

"Aww, come on now," Irvine drawled, "it's always nice to meet a fan!"

"_IRVINE!_ I AM IN _PAIN!"_

Just then, another female voice came calling from the big yellow bus. This voice, however, was sweet, soft, and mature; and belonged to the young substitute teacher.

"Girls! Girls! Please, get back here!"

The wayward students squealed and ran off, blending into the crowd. The young teacher trotted through the chaotic mess of the front gate, but she lost sight of the girls almost immediately. She couldn't very well run after them either, since her top speed was drastically lowered by her uncomfortable high heels. Squall, however, had kept a sharp eye on the mischievous seventh graders, and knew that they were safe and sound, hiding in a nearby potted plant.

"Excuse me!" the teacher called desperately, "You, you guys with the fuzzy hat and cowboy jacket! I mean, _cowboy_ hat and _fuzzy_ jacket!" She smacked herself in the forehead. "_First_," she thought to herself, "_the bus runs out of gas. Then, I LOSE two of my students; and NOW I can't even talk right! I'm never going to become a real teacher!"_

Out of the corner of his eye, Squall saw Irvine shamelessly look her up and down, and the commander scowled. _"Is it physically possible for him to keep his mind out of the gutter for just ONE minute?"_ he pondered.

The young woman reached the group of heroes, panting. "Ex-excuse me, but do you have any idea w-where my students have run off to? They're about yay high," she held her hand up to her chin, "wearing glasses, and are rather freakishly devious."

"They're just over--" Squall started to reply, before Irvine stomped on his foot.

"I'm sorry; we have no idea where they are!" the cowboy replied hurriedly, stepping in front of Squall.

"But I'll be more than happy to assist you in searchi--"

"DON'T you even think about it!" Quistis snapped, dragging the lanky sharpshooter by the ear. "YOU are going to the headmaster's office and explaining what happened to the front gate!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Irvine's cry was muffled, yet still audible, as the ex-instructor shoved him into the elevator. "W-WAIT! I... I KNOW WHERE THOSE STUDENTS ARE!" he wailed.

"What? You do? Oh my goodness, wait! WAIT!" the teacher ran to the elevator column and jabbed furiously at the up arrow.

"Well, that was... interesting..." Rinoa commented. The girls jumped out of their hiding spot and attached themselves to Squall like leeches. Just then, Seifer strutted onto the scene; hair shiny and clean from the salon.

"What's with the bus?" he sneered, eyes falling on the girls clinging to Squall. He blinked. "Oh, _I_ see..." the tall blond winked at the commander. "Irvine set you up with a blind date, huh?"

"Is this true?" Rinoa demanded.

"No! You just saw how this happened!"

"SEIFER!" Jaz-chan hopped from one hot teenage male to the other. "SEIFERSEIFERSEIFER!"

Squall imitated her in a high falsetto, "Seifer-Seifer-Seifer! Geez!" His voice back to normal, he turned to Jaz-chan. "What to all you girls see in him, anyway?"

"_All_ you girls? I like the sound of that..."

"Yeah, you practically have your own fan club! Everyone loves you! It sucks, you're supposed to be the _bad_ guy!" Squall vented. "Why doesn't anyone understand? BAD equals... well... _NOT_ GOOD! C'mon, Jaz-chan, _enlighten_ me.What do you _see_ in him? What does he have that I haven't got?"

Rinoa replied, "Well, for _one_ thing, a-"

"I wasn't _asking_ you!"

Jaz-chan tore her gaze from Seifer's face to look Squall in the eye as she answered. "He's so hot and he has a trenchcoat and steel-toed boots and he's a pyro and he's so arrogant and he looks so great when he laughs and he's _hot_!"

Squall sweatdropped. "You already said that…"

"Don't worry, Squally!" Ang-chan squealed, "_I'll_ stay true to you! At least until Irvine comes back!"

Zell wandered back into the group, having fulfilled the standard pouting time and now feeling rather left out. His downcast gaze leapt up with excitement as two more screams erupted from the bus.

"Yay! More girls!" the martial artist clapped his hands together. However, his hopes were soon dashed as a man with short brown hair and dorky glasses jumped out of the emergency exit window, and an old guy tried to follow suit but got stuck half-way. Zell deadpanned. "...EH?"

"Help me, Mr. Boege!" the old guy cried, "My fat saggy butt is stuck in the window!"

"I'll save you, Mr. Roman!"

"Quickly!" Mr. Roman called, pulling out a calculator. "The squared perimeter of the window is half the volume of my butt!" His face took on a slight tinge of blue. "IT'S CUTTING OFF CIRCULATION TO MY HEAD!"

Zell massaged his temples. "Owwwww! Too many big words!"

"Alas!" Jaz-chan hissed, "It's the evil ones!"

"Don't let them get me, Squall!" Ang-chan cried, burying her face in the commander's chest.

Mr. Boege, having successfully rescued Mr. Roman from the death-grip of the window, turned around slowly and evil-ly so that he was facing the gang. Mr. Roman did the same. Then, in complete unison, Mr. Boege and Mr. Roman ripped off their shirts and yelled,

"ZELL, I LOVE YOU!"

The blond's eyes widened in fear. "HOLY SHIT!" he shrieked, and took off in a cloud of dust Wiley Coyote vs. the Roadrunner style. The middle-school teachers followed as fast as they could.

"This is more fun than the economy of Oofigoofistan!"

"I'll never look at a protractor the same way again!"

"This isn't funny! I'm just a kid!" Zell wailed, "GEEZER!"

Seifer chuckled. "Yes, actually, it's very funny. That's why Rowi is writing this." He turned and waved at you. YES, YOU! "Hi there! Isn't Chicken-wuss here entertaining?" The taller blond smirked and ran his fingers through his hair. "Don't I look great?"

Squall rolled his eyes and called after Zell. "You're still a child?"

"Yep!" Zell panted, "Not eighteen for about seven months! Still a kid! Whoo-hoo!" Unfortunately, this distraction caused Zell to trip over his own feet and come crashing to the ground, just out of sight, in the hallway leading to the quad. The two teachers caught up to him, and a few seconds later, a blood-curdling scream was heard.

Squall blinked. "... I don't wanna know, do I?"

"Maybe we should go see if he's okay..." Rinoa wondered aloud.

"Eh, he' s fine!" Seifer declared. "I'm bored. Let's go, Jaz-chan." Seifer and his new shadow strutted out of the garden, leaving Rinoa, Squall, and the otaku riding piggyback on the commander's shoulders alone in silence.

"So..."

"Oh, Squall!" Rinoa cooed, "I love you..."

Squall was just about to sigh in relief when Zell came charging back into the front hall.

"AHHHHHHHHH!"

He looked left, and he looked right, and Zell found that he had nowhere to run. As the teachers started closing in, Zell had a _bright_ idea and dove into the fountain around the elevator! Leviathan hissed at him and finally slithered off toward the cafeteria. Zell surfaced looking like a drowned Chocobo.

"Wah! They gave me a _wedgie_!"

Squall sighed, "So un-wedge it!"

"I don't know how! _WAHH_!"

Squall smacked himself in the forehead and mumbled, "Let's go, Rinoa."

"What?" she replied, "You're just gonna leave him there?"

"That's the plan!" Squall put his arm around his girlfriend's waist and they were walking off into the sunset when Squall wondered aloud, "…hey, _who_ has the notebook?"

Rinoa jumped in surprise, realizing the book had somehow escaped her grasp. "… I thought I had it, but I can't find it anywhere!

The couple immediately looked across the hall, where they saw none other than Quistis Trepe pick up the bullshit-ridden collection of documents.

"Hmmm, what's this?" the instructor muttered, leafing through the pages.

" NOOOOO!"

* * *


End file.
